SMITCH

I brought the house down last Friday night…like I never have before.

You see, I was never really romantic when I was dating Melanie, nor am I romantic now having been her husband for a year and a half. It just never came naturally…there were times when I thought up sneaky, romantic ploys but I never would follow through because it always involved me “putting myself out there.” And as we all know, that is not something that Big Smitty cares to do often. I wanted to be sweet and thoughful, but being funny, macho, and muscley always appealed more. Well, I recently had an epiphany…………………..ok…fine…I watched “Hitch,”…regardless, I realized that this was my calling. To be SMOOTH…at least once. All I heard from that crazy women was oh’s and ah’s as we watched Big Willie lay it on Eva Mendez. So with the encouragement from my life-long hero, I decided it was time I did something special for my wife that would sweep her off her feet since I had yet to do so in the six + years we have been together.
I had the perfect opportunity to throw something together the week that Melanie was gone with my boy Dave and Water’s Edge. This is what went down: When I picked Mel up from Porter upon their return, I was dressed like a champ…I had on all black, except for my tie which was blue and white checkered (I think Troy and Alec almost jumped on me when they saw me step out of the Maxima). I lied an told her that I had been working at the cemetery all day and that is why I was dressed up…I didn’t want her to know what was to come. As we cruised up Lake street before pulling into the apartment lot, I handed her keys to her. See took them, did a double take at them, and then asked what in the world this little black thing was hanging down (keyless entry). I smiled real big and then pointed to her new car that was sitting in her parking spot. A ’98 white Toyota Camry that was in mint condition. She nearly fainted (she has never had a nice vehicle). After she calmed down, I told her that I had spoken a white lie in regards to the reason I was dressed up. She asked what I was talking about, and then I opened the front door to reveal a candle light dinner set up for her in the middle of our den. She cried…which was perfect. I instructed her to go upstairs, shower, and put on some formal wear for our night. I cooked her an elaborate dinner that actually turned out well. After dinner we cleared the floor and danced for the first time since our senior proms. She cried. After dancing I popped in a movie that she had been dying to see for quite some time, but I would never agree to go because it sounded so stupid….it was, but she enjoyed it. After the movie, she received a 40 minute full body massage which she has never had, from me or otherwise. She cried. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell that the house was perfectly clean and organized when she arrived, I spent all week getting it ready…were talking dust, sweep, mop, scrub, and vacuum. After the eventful evening, she told me that it was the sweetest thing I had ever done for her. She said, “Baby, I guess I have to call you Hitch now.” I then smugly replied, “No ma’am, you can call me SMITCH.

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14 Responses

  1. so you didnt finish the story, what else happened?

  2. HAHAHAHA! now thats funny, i dont care who you are! and no smitty you like to think i make anonymous comments but that wasn’t me!

  3. you big ole’ pimp.

    1st…I dont believe a word of it. But great story.

    2nd..What happened next.

    3rd…If it did happen (which it didn’t) why you gotta go putting it on the blog. My wife reads this thing sometimes and I’ve been laying low for 2 years strong now. You’re gonna screw it up for everybody because of one hair that tickled you butt one time.

    4th…Even if I did try some Hitch action it would never work because my name would translate “DITCH.” You’re setting me up failure here, man. You gotta think about these things.

  4. a classy thing to do for your wife… i’m impressed… perhaps the most classy thing about the post is that you did NOT tell what happened next.

  5. no seriously….. what happened next?

  6. i think i know what happened next but i do not want to make any assumptions, let us know so we can rest easy! please

  7. I’ll tell you what they did: They hung out with the Lord a little in prayer, and then went to bed! I know I am right I was their. He did alright, because I taught him everything he knows.

  8. I guess my “Hitch” name would be Gitch. But I am more like the Kevin James character. Do the q-tip, ah yeah!!!

    Real Smooth smitty, keep up the good work you big pimp.

  9. Smitty, that’s impressive but a little too good.
    You cooked a nice dinner in the time it took for her to get dressed? Wow, she must take a really long time getting ready.
    The cleaning, dressing up, and body massage stuff is easy… it’s that cooking stuff that’s hard. More props to you for pulling it off. I’ll make sure my girl never reads your blog.

  10. Everybody,

    thanks for the props…it means a lot. I tried real hard on this one and it worked out well. tapp – believe it or not…i had been organizing dinner all day and timed it out perfectly so that she would be ready to eat when dinner was ready to be served. Lucky…i guess.

    thanks for all your comments.

  11. hey we got a problem. What if your name starts with a B. Calling myself a female dog isn’t gonna help my status with the ladies.

  12. My name would be witch.

  13. I love you Smitch!!!!

  14. I love you too

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