Archive for July, 2005

Crazynametown, U.S.A.
July 16, 2005

My wife and I enjoyed a honeymoon cruise to Jamaica and what turned out the be the most beautiful place I have ever seen, the Cayman Islands. On the island, we stopped in Hell, got a drink, and sent some cool post cards to our families. It was hot in Hell that day. Hell, Grand Cayman BWI made we wonder whether we had any towns or cities in the U.S. that are as interesting. We don’t consider Smitty City to be one of these places, but here are a few that we dug up.

If you ever get a chance, make sure you stop by and say “hey” to the folks in:

  • Chicken, Deadhorse, Eek (ALASKA)
  • Burnt Corn, Intercourse, Muck City, Rooster (ALABAMA)
  • Bagdad, Boneyard, Floss, Goobertown, Nothing, Why (ARIZONA)
  • Fannie, Greasy Corner, Grubbs, Hooker, Okay, Possum Grape, Smackover, Toad Suck, Turkey Scratch, Weiner, Yellville (ARKANSAS)
  • Blunt, Bummerville, Frying Pan, Hell’s Kitchen, Dead Junction, Last Chance, Needles, Mormon Bar, Rescue, Relief, Scareface, Squabbletown, Sucker Flat, Timbuctoo, Toad Town, Volcano, Weedpatch, Wimp, You Bet (CALIFORIA)
  • Climax, Noname, Parachute, Purgatory (COLORADO)
  • Giants Neck, Mianus, Moosup (CONNECTICUT)
  • Howey-in-the-Hills, Kissimmee, Okahumpka, Sopchoppy, Two Egg, Yeehaw Junction (FLORIDA)
  • Good Grief, Beer Bottle Crossing (IDAHO)
  • Bald Knob, Devil’s Backbone, Grand Detour, Kickapoo, Paw Paw, Roachtown (ILLINOIS)
  • French Lick, Gnaw Bone, Loogootee, Naked City, Roachdale, Toad Hop (INDIANA)
  • Diagonal, Gravity, What Cheer (IOWA)
  • Perdition, Ransom (KANSAS)
  • Beaver Lick, Bugtussle, Chicken Gizzard, Crummies, Do Stop, Monkey’s Elbow, Mudlick, Oddville, Ogle, Spring Lick, Rabbit Hash, Typo (KENTUCKY)
  • Belcher, Cut-Off, Fort Necessity, Grosse Tete, Mudville, Tickfaw, Waterfall (LOUISIANA)
  • Bald Head, Dickey, Beans Corner Bingo (MAINE)
  • Accident, Assawoman Bay, Boring, Crapo, Cockeysville (MARYLAND)
  • Belchertown, Cow Yard, Mashpee, Sandwich, Swampscott (MASSACHUSETTS)
  • Bad Axe, Climax, Hell, Jugville, Kalamazoo, Podunk, Slapneck (MICHIGAN)
  • Climax, Embarass, Nimrod, Nowthen, Savage, Sleepy Eye (MINNESOTA)
  • Bobo, Chuncky, Dragon, Possumneck, Sanatorium, Soso, Yazoo (MISSISSIPPI)
  • Conception, Cooter, Enough, Frankenstein, Licking, Peculiar, Roach, Sleeper, Tightwad (MISSOURI)
  • Bitter Root, Elmo, Hungry Horse, Rocky Boy, Square Butt, Two-Dot, Yaak (MONTANA)
  • Colon, Fort Crook, Road, Wahoo, Weeping Water, Worms (NEBRASKA)
  • Bunkerville, Incline Village, Lovelock, Owyhee, Pahrump, Searchlight, Verdi-Mogul, Weed Heights, Winnemucca (NEVADA)
  • Bungy, Contoocook, Hell Hollow, Lost Nation, Sandwich Landing (NEW HAMPSHIRE)
  • Bivalve, Brick, Ho-Ho Kus, Little Egg Harbor, Love Ladies, Succasuna (NEW JERSEY)
  • Elephant Butte, Tingle, Truth or Consequences (NEW MEXICO)
  • Cat Elbow Corner, Coxsackie, Hicksville, Horseheads, Peekskill, Neversink, Yaphank Yonkers (NEW YORK)
  • Gum Neck, Horneytown, Lizard Lick, Meat Camp, Tick Bite, Toast, Whynot (NORTH CAROLINA)
  • Concrete, Hoople, Voltaire, Zap (NORTH DAKOTA)
  • Fly, Knockemstiff, Three Legs Town (OHIO)
  • Bowlegs, Frogville, Hooker, Okay, Pumpkin Center, Slapout, Slaughterville (OKLAHOMA)
  • Boring, Drain, Halfcom, Idiotville, Zig Zag (OREGON)
  • Balltown, Bird-in-Hand, Drab, Experiment, Fear Not, Gobbler’s Knob, Hempfield, Intercourse, Loyalsockville, Panic, Porkey, Scalp Level, Uno, Virginville (PENNSYLVANIA)
  • Mooseup Valley, Quidnick, Quonochontaug, Woonsocket (RHODE ISLAND)
  • Coward, Due West, Ninetimes (SOUTH CAROLINA)
  • Bath, Igloo, Lemmon, Peever, Red Shirt (SOUTH DAKOTA)
  • Bugscuffle, Bucksnort, Defeated, Difficult, Duck Town, Finger, Nameless, Only, Smartt, Sweet Lips, Static, Yum Yum (TENNESSEE)
  • Cut-n-Shoot, Dime Box, Ding Dong, Frognot, Gun Barrel City, Hoop and Holler, Leaky, Loco, Looneyville, Muleshoe, Notrees, Pointblank, Possum Kingdom, Run and Shoot, Tarzan, Trophy Club, Turkey, Twitty, Uncertain (TEXAS)
  • Bald Knob, Hurricane, Lovelock, Orderville (UTAH)
  • Bread Loaf, Mosquitoville, Notown, Satans Kingdom (VERMONT)
  • Croaker, Frogtown, Goochland, Goosepimple Junction, Mutt, Nuttsville, Ordinary (VIRGINA)
  • Enumclaw, Humptulips, Klickitat, Kooskooskie, Tumtum, Tumwater (WASHINGTON)
  • Big Ugly, Crum, HooHoo, Looneyville, Lost City, Nitro, Odd, Paw, Pinch, War (WEST VIRGINIA)
  • Embarrass, Footville, Imalone, Spread Eagle, Ubet, Wanderoos (WISCONSIN)
  • Bill, Camel Hump, Meeteetse, Muddy Gap (WYOMING)

For the Birds, part cuatro
July 16, 2005

  • Getting locked in a cemetery and realizing that you haven’t purchased a plot yet…is for the birds.
  • Visiting high school buddies and reminiscing while one is carefully rolling a joint…is for the birds…interesting…but definitely for the birds.
  • Eggs that are not cage-free and full of omega-3…are for the chickens (a type of bird).
  • Strongbad always dissing Homestar…is for the birds.
  • Solomon calling our dog cocoa, when our dog’s name…is not cocoa…is for the birds, and really random.
  • Farting and sneezing at the same time is…impossible, i think…but if it was…it would be for the birds (although I swear I’ve done it).
  • Slapping your dad’s glutes only to find out that it was the other bald guy at the golf scramble…is for the birds.

stay tuned for part cinco

Aslan vs. Tash
July 13, 2005

This is a exerpt from on of C.S. Lewis’ lesser known pieces. Beware: You may have to read it more than once…it’s a little hard to grasp. To be honest, I can’t figure out what Lewis is trying to communicate, so I thought that the blognation could help. Tell me what you think.

* In this story, a soldier has gone through something anaologous to the doorway of death. This soldier has served a false god named Tash all his life, and he comes upon a great Lion named Aslan, who represents Christ.

” In a narrow place between two rocks there came to meet me a great Lion. The speed of him was like the ostrich, and his size was an elephant’s; his hair was like pure gold and the brightness of his eyes, like gold that is liquid in the furnace…In beauty he surpassed all that is in the world, even as the rose in bloom surpasses the dust of the desert. Then I fell at his feet and thought, Surely this is the hour of death, for the Lion (who is worthy of all honor) will know that I have served Tash all my days and not him. Nevertheless, it is better to see the Lion and die than to be [king] of the world and live and not to have seen him. But the Glorious One bent down and touched my forehead with his tougue and said, Son, thou art welcome. But I said, Alas, Lord, I am no son of Thine but the servant of Tash. He answered, Child, all the service thou hast done to Tash, I account as service done to me. Then by reason of my great desire for wisdom and understanding, I overcame my fear and questioned the Glorious One and said, “Lord, is it then true, as the Ape said, that thou and Tash are one?” The Lion growled so that the earth shook (but his wrath was not against me) and said, It is false. Not because he and I are one, but because we are opposites, I take to me the services which thou hast done to him, for I and he are of such different kinds that no service which is vile can be done to me, and none which is not vile can be done to him. Therefore if any man swear by Tash and keep his oath for the oath’s sake, it is by me that he has truly sworn, though he know it not, and it is I who reward him. And if any man do a cruelty in my name, then though he says the name Aslan, it is Tash whom he serves and by Tash his deed accepted. Dost thou understand, Child? I said, Lord, thou knowest how much I understand. But I said also (for the truth constrained me), Yes I have been seeking Tash all my days. Beloved, said the Glorious One, unless thy desire had been for me thou wouldst not have sought so long and so truly. For all find what they truly seek.”

– Letters to Malcolm, C.S. Lewis

The Yellow Bandwagon
July 9, 2005


I don’t know about you, but I don’t wear the yellow braclet because it’s cool…or because…it’s the coolest. I rock the “Livestrong” because I’m a fan. It goes beyond a simple respect for the man because of what he can do with two tires and some metal bars. I actually enjoy the sport. It’s fascinating. Don’t feel bad if you want Lance to win his 7th, because that is not the bandwagging issue. The Tour de France is an international event, so we all have to pull for the Texan (he is the only american with a legitimate shot at winning). So you are not fairweather if you pull for him. What makes you fairweather is if you talk about how much you adore LA, yet you don’t know what OLN is. Hold on a minute, I’m pulling out my soap box.
The yellowness on thousands of American wrists today is a fashion statement. My guess is that 95% of the wearers couldn’t even tell you what month the Tour de France is held in, and probably don’t even know why the color yellow is used. But that is okay, it doesn’t bother me that much. What frustrates me is that I am automatically lumped in with the other fashionists who sport the “Lancey.” Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I was the first one wearing the braclet or the innovator of the concept, but I do wear it for a different reason that most the rest. First, I truly wanted to support Lance’s cancer foundation (laf.org) by purchasing braclets, so in Destin, FL, I bought twenty of them…kept ten and distributed ten. And second, I am a true fan of the sport and of His Cycleness. Look at it from this analogy: It is a completely different thing for a young man that has grown up two blocks from the Staples Center to be wearing a Kobe jersey every other day than it is for a person in Lexington to be wearing that same jersey the week after the Lakers had won their third. Or a person in Chi-town wearing the yel’ and purp’ Kobe because it matched his yellow and white Reebok Classics. I do admit that there a smidge of “fairweatherness” in all of us Lancists, because nobody really knew who he was until he started winning. I’m willing to admit this…but, you see, Smitty has evolved into a legit fanatic.
Another is issue I would like to address is the group of modern day Pharisees who not only ignore his accomplishments, but condemn those who support him. My cousin was devastated that I rocked the yellow because of LA’s unfaithfulness to his wife. She believed that I shouldn’t support that kind of person. I asked her what this world would look like if we refused to support the people who had sinned…the people who had messed up. I told her (respectfully) that his unfaithfullness was no worse that her religious arrogance, and that if sin kept her from supporting certain people then she better not go hear her father preach the next morning. Before she left for church the next morning, I quitely offered her a braclet, she slipped it on, smiled, and drove off.
For those who care: After stage 8, Lance is leading the overall standings by exactly 1 minute. The only stage win he has accumulated was the team time trial (stage 5) in which the Discovery Channel team edged out Team Mobile by two seconds…very exciting. The tour ends on July 24 with the 21st stage in Paris. There is one stage per day showing live on OLN at 8:30 each morning. Check it out…it’s history in the making. 7 is unheard of.

And don’t forget that you won’t find Smitty in the Peloton…he’s leading the pack. I’m out.

Is ______ a sport?
July 9, 2005

Being an athlete, you are faced with many questions, debates, arguments, and sometimes even blood-lettings regarding sports. One such issue that surfaces quite often is…”Is _____ a sport?” Well, here at SmittyCity we have spent endless hours putting together a definitive list of “sports” and “not sports” for you the reader. Please feel free to reference SmittyCity for any and all arguments…that is what we are here for.

SPORTS

  • football
  • basketball
  • baseball
  • soccer
  • hockey
  • lacrosse
  • tennis
  • rugby
  • track & field
  • boxing
  • golf
  • softball
  • squash
  • wrestling
  • volleyball
  • field hockey
  • cycling

NON-SPORTS

  • NASCAR
  • cheerleading
  • billiards
  • bowling
  • curling
  • fishing
  • poker
  • extreme “sports”
  • martial arts
  • table tennis
  • rodeo
  • darts
  • archery

* These lists are not open for debate..however..if you would like to add to either list, feel free to do so.